To receive the answer to this with as little confusion as possible, you’ll pretty much have to disregard my verbal responses.  I will come clean now and respond with great honesty: I don’t feel right.  I don’t feel okay.  I don’t feel happy and I have no idea why.

Or, rather, I lie again.  I have an idea why I don’t feel happy but I’m pretty damn sure (and I equally hope) that it’s not this that’s getting me down so badly because I’ve been trying so hard for this not to affect me.  There are indeed other things on my mind though, regardless of whether or not they should be.

  • I seem to have lost all motivation to do anything other than go to work and occasionally go out with friends—things like my traineeship paperwork, my room, and family obligements to name a mere handful, really don’t matter at all to me anymore.
  • I’m worried about my posture and thus my back and neck.  My job requires me always to be hunched over and so does driving, and lately I’ve been suffering from constant neck pain.  This, when I finally do decide to go to bed, hinders my chances at a good night’s sleep.
  • I’m worried that if I were to try and get in contact with people from high school again then they’d make it pretty clear that they don’t want to know me.  I don’t have any legitimate basis for this–I just don’t think I can face this scenario and therefore, lamentably, I will probably never get in touch with them.
  • I’m unknowingly behaving weirdly and potentially inappropriately towards certain people and their actions.  And then at times, I alternatively know that I’m doing it and I can’t seem to help it.
  • I find myself getting emotional when literally nothing has happened, and this one scares me the most.  I can be driving down a road or seasoning a bread—it doesn’t seem to make a difference.  Nothing in particular is said to me and nothing in particular enters my mind.

So what’s wrong with me?  What has changed in my life since my euphoric post three months ago?  I’ve been accepted as one of the premium few at work and I’m getting heaps of hours, so that has nothing to do with it.  Could it be the colder months playing with my mind?  Incidentally, this winter I am indeed getting cold but I don’t see why that should have an effect on anything.

Only one thing falls into my mind and I refuse to believe that I can be so perturbed by such a matter.  It’s happened before though so it wouldn’t surprise me—after all, there’s nothing else in my life at the moment that by itself has the potential to confound my wellbeing.