There is no point in pretending any longer that I’m going to update this page.
I know I said I’d update if anything significant happened in my life, but the truth is this—things do happen and 100% of it is stuff that I have no desire to revisit through documenting anywhere. I’ve been well and truly screwed over by people who had my trust and I’ve lost the ability to laugh, to cry or to feel any other emotion. The desire in fact to do anything that involves emotion in any small part is long gone and the idea of having to deal with any sort of emotion, be it my own or someone else’s, greatly roils me.
I’m very aware that I must come across to anyone who reads this tripe as a depressing person, and that in itself is depressing. What’s even worse, I think, is that this is exactly the way I think all the damn time. So perhaps it’s fair to say that I really am a depressing person.
One may view an online journal as free therapy in a world that really doesn’t care all that much, but it’s done nothing for me and one more journal on the Internet full of bitterness and regret won’t do anything positive for anyone else either.
I cannot carry on like this—things will definitely only get worse if something doesn’t change. I’m not making another post until I get my head sorted out and drastically change my view on life. When (if?) that time comes, all of my old, gloomy, dejected posts will be trashed and I’ll even turn this stupid two-paged excuse of an address into a real site.
I see myself actually becoming social, being happy, earning decent money, becoming organised, healthy, energetic, motivated, being able to commit to sitting down and learning something new. Being able to feel emotion again. Having the control to invest my feelings in the right places and in the right people. The courage to brave rejection. Becoming emotionally stronger and not having to block out the world to get by (or for any other reason). Being able to look back on past events without negative effect. Speaking my mind rationally and promptly instead of holding it all in until I lose friends when it finally ruptures from orifices I wasn’t aware I had. Accepting that I cannot repair the damage between myself and these people and capable of letting these people go.
And it’s all going to take a long time so please don’t expect to hear from me anytime soon. Let’s be realistic—it may never actually happen. (Don’t despair—if you can still reach this page then that means that I’m not dead. No one else is going to pay for the Internet connection that hosts it.)
Thanks very much to those of you that have come back more than once, and especially to those of you who got in touch with me. It was great to discover that I’d said something to inspire people to want to write to me. I hope that the future brings you all that you pursue.
All the very best.