It’s been precisely one year since I acted upon one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made.  She still doesn’t have anything to do with me.

There are still so many words that remain unsaid between us, and some of those words will probably remain unsaid no matter what happens in the future.  But will anything actually happen in the future?  Will we ever speak again?

I wish I could just take solace in knowing that the ball is in her court—we’ve established that our contact will only recommence when she feels ready.  But what if “when” is really just a polite “if?”

What if she already knows that it’s never going to happen?

I remain a total villain in her mind.  Her mentions of me on her blog are increasingly infrequent, but never fail to testify her view of me.  Am I really as evil as I appear through her words?  In some cases with knowledge of the facts the answer is a relieving, clear-cut “no.”  In others, it’s much harder to arrive at a definite answer.

I wish I could begin to describe where our experience as a whole leaves me in terms of relationships.  How can I allow myself to pursue a relationship with anyone I care about if I “know” that when things ultimately crumble, no matter what I do, I’m going to lose them in every other sense as well?

I don’t like being held hostage to irrational emotions.