I’m at that point—again—where all of the little things that I feel I have to do (and even the ones I don’t) are summing up into an overbearing monster and smothering me. The worst of it so far has hit today, where the physiological effects of it all are finally interfering with my ability to actually do my work.
I have unrealistic deadlines looming over my head (granted, the most critical ones are on the way to being corrected). I have a to-do list down to my legs with items of varying importance, urgency and interest. My personal email inbox contains 1,155 items to act upon—again of varying importance, urgency and interest. My uni email inboxes have remained unchecked for months. 1,300 items await my attention in Google Reader, despite my intentions for this service to provide me relief. I’ve been AWOL from Facebook for over a month; 121 pending messages and 386 notifications there. MySpace and Twitter loom in the background also pining for the tiniest slice of my time, even though they know they’re dead to me. Old accounts of various online services remain in existence—dormant, but their existence seems enough to stress me out. Addressed paperwork floods in through the letterbox and wants a place to be filed. People that matter to me are slowly reducing contact and their displayed interest to catch up because of my repeated failures to deliver on promises to make it happen. Dust and grime settle and accumulate on every single surface no matter how frequently I vacuum and clean. More money is going out than coming in.
All of this. Swimming around my head. Virtually all of the time.
I’ve had tonsillitis for two weeks now. It won’t go away because I’m consistently too stressed out (or too busy) to let my body heal. Work hours seem to be getting longer; my ability to cope seems to be wasting away.
It all looks quite ridiculous on paper, really. Surely I could find a logical, tangible, simple solution to every single burden I’ve addressed above if I really tried, but regardless of desire I just don’t seem to have the energy.
I suppose the things that worry me the most are the things that involve other people. I’m not as averse to letting myself down; it’s the idea of offending or failing others that upsets me, for better or worse. This alone is probably why Facebook causes me the most anxiety of the lot.
To that end, perhaps the best first step is to better limit my available avenues of communication. Surely a single online point of dissemination and contact is enough, and that’s precisely why this website exists. Without a Facebook account there is no expectation to participate; there’s one less unmonitored inbox accumulating unanswered messages from people who just might think from my lack of response that I’m ignoring them.
I really like the idea of the relief that declaring email bankruptcy (applied to other online media in addition to, or instead of email) could yield. Messages can only require answering if they exist; if they are deemed impossible to answer then their existence serves no purpose. No Facebook account would cause me less anxiety than one.
I am resolving to deactivate my Facebook account as soon as I decide on a suitable alternative for hosting photo albums. Perhaps that too will be this site; being time-based, like these posts, that would probably make the most sense.
The rest, for now, doesn’t matter. One thing at a time is enough to master.
If you only spoke to friends lad, without waiting for them all the time to contact you, maybe things would have been slightly better.
There really is no intentional expectation on my part that people contact me; it just seems to be what’s happening lately.
I realised last night that I quite literally do not get five minutes in the day to even respond to text messages unless I actively push for those minutes. I work straight through my designated lunch breaks, and because I don’t rely on public transport any more (my only real downtime in the past) I can’t look at my phone while I’m in transit.
Basically I’m spreading myself too thinly, it seems. And there seems to be no reprieve in sight. I guess I just need to accept it.
Thinking about committing Zuckercide, huh?
Sorry to hear about your current situation. Unfortunately, I can totally sympathize.
Question: (I’m not being judgmental or sarcastic or whiny in any way, I’m genuinely interested) – how do you quite literally not get five minutes in the day to even respond to text messages? What do you actually do?
I don’t know what’s going on atm or if you’re still in this state but I’m guessing you are. I wish there were something I could do to help. From my limited knowledge of the situation it seems you’re paralysing yourself by trying to focus on too many problems at the same time. You don’t need to solve everything in one go; if at the end of the day there is less problem then there was at the start, you’re moving in the right direction.
Just my thoughts. Btw, hi
Btw, in google chrome, the textbox on your captcha thingy is black text on a black background
D’oh! Thanks. I’ve made a note to correct this.
Back when I wrote this post my typical day involved getting up, driving straight to work, applying myself completely at work, driving straight home, eating, doing some house chores and going to bed. Obviously I could have secured those five minutes if I tried but there were certainly never periods of time where I felt I had nothing to do. I guess I also just don’t value phone communication highly enough that I think to check for messages without prompting, etc.
As for getting somewhere, I think that’s inevitable and I just need to remember it. This year is going to be taxing (cf. my latest post) but at least I’ll have a roof over my head and a degree in my hand at the end of it. I’ll see to that much.
And hi! It’s been ages.