Alex Peters

I’m coming down a hill in a C-class tram in a 60kph zone.  It has just started drizzling, which makes the tram more prone to slipping and dramatically increases the distance needed to stop, so I’ve reduced my speed to 45kph.  An expensive black sedan pulls an illegal U-turn with no warning and then stops across the tracks because there isn’t room to complete it without reversing.  I slam on the emergency brakes, go into a skid because of the weather conditions, and end up a couple metres behind him before he actually reverses out of my path.  I come to a rough stop beside the car.  Because the gong is automatically activated during the braking, the driver of the car assumes that I’m after his attention and tries to communicate with me through two layers of glass.  Since I’ve already stopped, I figure I may as well entertain this.

Car driver: “What’s the issue?”

Me: “I’m in a 28-ton vehicle coming down a hill, and you have performed an illegal turn in front of me and then stopped.”

Car driver: More »

Passenger: “Does this go to Wellington Street?”

Me: “Yes.  Wellington Street is three stops away.”

Me over PA on approach: “The next stop is Wellington Street.”

Me over PA at stop: “This is Wellington Street.”

Passenger, three stops after Wellington Street: “Is this Wellington Street?”

Me: More »

Kid #1 at Port Melbourne: “Hey, can I have your autograph?”

Kids #2 and #3: “Me too!!”

Me: “…uh, sure…”

I inscribe TRAM DRIVER™ on each kid’s arm with my blue biro.

Kid #2: “Is your name Tim?”

Me: “No, it’s Alex.”

Kid #2: “But why did you write ‘Tim?’”

Me: “That’s ‘Trade Mark’!”

Kid #2: “Oh!”

Me, over the PA system: “The next stop is Kew Junction.”

Unknown female-sounding passenger: “I KNOW THAT!!!”

Me, over the PA system: “My apologies.”