Practical perks include enjoying your lunch break while everyone else is still making their way to work, finishing when others are going to lunch and being free in the afternoon to do whatever you please.

But to be out and about before sunrise is why I keep doing them—I simply can’t find a way to describe how beautiful I find the serenity, the near silence, the way the shadows fall and the colours of the sky as the sun prepares for the day.

And sadly, my phone camera struggles just as much to convey the real beauty of these moments as I see them.

February 26, 2011 at 6.24am: city view from Victoria Harbour

December 1, 2010 at 5.56am: sunrise at Box Hill Central

November 23, 2011 at 5.41am: sunrise over the local pizza shop

November 30, 2010 at 4.56am: 7-11 Hawthorn

Okay, the last one isn’t really a display of beauty.  I love the stark contrast of the 7-11 compared to its surrounds though (even if my actual eyes didn’t at the time).  I guess it’s also an assurance that if 3.30am is too early to eat breakfast, you will be able to find breakfast on the way to work—just as long as you can stomach a “Mexican salsa” chicken sandwich breakfast.

All the best for the new year.

Car driver: “What’s the issue?”

Me: “I’m in a 28-ton vehicle coming down a hill, and you have performed an illegal turn in front of me and then stopped.”

Car driver: “But I got out of the way.”

Me: “You hadn’t before I had to apply the emergency brakes, and in any case I couldn’t assume that you would have.”

Car passenger: “You were going pretty fast down the hill though, weren’t you?”

Me: “I was doing 45.  It’s a 60 zone.”

Car passenger: “Are you sure about that?”

Me: “Yes. Absolutely positive.”

Car passenger: “Okay then…”

Me: “…righto…”

Me: *returns to tram quite confident that they have no idea what almost just happened*

Me: “Yes.  Wellington Street is three stops away.”

Me over PA on approach: “The next stop is Wellington Street.”

Me over PA at stop: “This is Wellington Street.”

Passenger, three stops after Wellington Street: “Is this Wellington Street?”

Me: “No.  Wellington Street is three stops back.”

Passenger: “But you didn’t tell me!”

Me over PA: “Testing…testing…one, two, three…”

Others look up in curiosity, so the PA is obviously fine.

Me: “Well, I’m sorry that you missed it.  Here’s how to get back there…”

Passenger: *unintelligible grumbling*

Where I assume the bits responsible for making the water hot once resided—but then I really have no idea.

Woke up this morning with no hot water, went to work without having showered, came home on my break to sort out what I thought must be a billing problem, and after several calls ended up speaking to the body corporate.

Turns out that last night someone physically stole the mechanical parts of the apartment complex that provide the hot water.  Like, to the entire complex.

Who would do such a thing and why completely eludes me, but there you have it.

Kids #2 and #3: “Me too!!”

Me: “…uh, sure…”

I inscribe TRAM DRIVER™ on each kid’s arm with my blue biro.

Kid #2: “Is your name Tim?”

Me: “No, it’s Alex.”

Kid #2: “But why did you write ‘Tim?’”

Me: “That’s ‘Trade Mark’!”

Kid #2: “Oh!”

Unknown female-sounding passenger: “I KNOW THAT!!!”

Me, over the PA system: “My apologies.”

Got stuck behind this car on my way to work yesterday and was intrigued by her bumper sticker.

The intended reference here eludes me.  Thoughts?

Why is this a problem right now, in the middle of winter?  The unit also functions as a dehumidifier, which in this apartment is proving essential for getting washed clothes dry and stopping mould from growing on walls and windowsills.

The obvious solution: call up DeLonghi, order a replacement caster wheel and snap it on.  Estimated effort time required: 20 minutes.

Simple, right?

Note: quotes are not verbatim and have been paraphrased in some cases.

Friday June 17, 2011

Me, by phone to DeLonghi Australia: “Please help me to secure a new caster wheel for my DeLonghi Pinguino Eco PACT120 portable air conditioner.”

DeLonghi: “You will need to speak to your local DeLonghi service provider, XYZ.”

Me, by phone to XYZ: “Please help me to secure a new caster wheel for my DeLonghi Pinguino Eco PACT120 portable air conditioner.”

XYZ: “Sure—come into our office and get part DLTL1519 for $2.50.”

Saturday June 18, 2011

Me, at XYZ: “Yeah, that’s definitely not the right part.  Part DLNE1072 on the other hand has the right wheel on it, but I’m not sure about the connector.  I’ll try it anyway.  Here’s $4.50.”

No dice; the connector is indeed incorrect.

Me, by email to XYZ: “I have this air conditioner; here’s a photo.  One of its wheels has broken off from the underside; here’s a photo.  DeLonghi told me to get replacement parts from you.  I was recommended part DLTL1519 but the wheel size is incorrect; here’s a photo showing the correct wheels.  I tried part DLNE1072 but the connector is wrong; here’s a photo.  Please tell me what to do now.”

Tuesday June 21, 2011

XYZ, by email: “Give us your phone number so we can call you to discuss the 2–3 types of castor wheels in stock.”

Me: “[I don't really see the point since I've given you all the info there is...but] sure, here’s my number.”

Wednesday June 22, 2011

Me, at XYZ: “Yeah, I never heard from you so I’m here in person again.  Please refund me for this incorrect part and tell me what to do next.”

XYZ: “Oh, sorry.  We didn’t call you because we never got your email response [even though you sent it to two separate people in our company].  Take part DLTL1519 instead.”

Me: “No, that’s definitely not the right part.  The wheel is too small.”

XYZ: “Are you sure you have a DeLonghi Pinguino Eco PACT120?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

XYZ: “Well, DeLonghi says that this is the right part for your unit.  If you think otherwise, you’ll need to call them.”

Me, by phone to DeLonghi: “I have this air conditioner with a broken wheel.  I’m at this local authorised service provider right now, who are telling me that I need this part.  The part is clearly not correct.  Please tell me what to do.”

DeLonghi: “My paperwork here says that that’s the right part.”

Me: “I assure you: for my case it’s not.  The wheel is the wrong size.”

DeLonghi: “Have you tried the part?”

Me: “…no.  I really don’t feel the need.”

DeLonghi: “I can escalate this issue to the Service Manager once you have tried the part and confirmed that it’s incorrect.”

Me: “Surely you can just do that now for me?  The part is the wrong size.  If I install it, the unit will be lop-sided because the other three wheels are significantly bigger.”

DeLonghi: “No.  You need to try it first.”

Me: “Great.  Thanks.”

Me, to XYZ: “I guess I’ll need to take four of these, and break off the other three perfectly good wheels so that the thing balances.”

XYZ: “Okay.  With a credit of $4.50 that’ll be $24.54.”

Me: “What?  These were quoted to me before as costing $2.50 each!”

XYZ: “Sorry—you’re mistaken.”

Me: “Whatever.  Here’s $24.54.”

Annoyingly, but unsurprisingly enough, the new casters don’t attach to the underside of the unit.

Wednesday June 29, 2011

Me, at XYZ: “I’m here with my air conditioning unit and the wheels I bought previously.  They don’t attach.  This is getting ridiculous.  Please just get someone to look at this for a few minutes.”

XYZ: “Sure, we can book it in for $99.”

Me: “Book it in?  It’s a frigging caster wheel!  Can’t you just get someone to come out here for 15 seconds to take a look?”

XYZ: “I’ll get the manager.”

XYZ manager: “Hi again.  There’s nothing we can do at this stage.  DeLonghi have told us what part you need.  You need to contact them for further advice.”

Me, to DeLonghi: “The part is wrong, like I said earlier.  What now?”

DeLonghi: “We’ll call you back in a couple days.”

XYZ manager #2: “Is this the broken wheel issue that’s been going on for weeks now?”

Me: “Yes.”

XYZ manager #2: *tips unit over to look at broken wheel*

XYZ manager #2: *brings out correctly-sized wheel from out back, complete with correct-looking metal rod*

XYZ manager #2: *fails to remove old metal rod with spanner*

XYZ manager #2: “Looks like we’ll need to open the unit up to install this wheel.  Book it in for $99 and we’ll do that for you.  We can even replace the other three wheels so that they’re all new.”

Me: “Okay, fine.”

Thursday June 30, 2011

XYZ, by phone: “Yeah, the wheel couldn’t be fitted, so we’ve contacted DeLonghi with the expectation that the entire unit will be replaced.  The service cost will now be $50 instead of $99, and the cost of the other casters you bought will be credited towards that $50 charge.”

Me: “Um, okay.”

Thursday July 7, 2011

XYZ, by phone: “Yeah, the new unit has arrived for you.  Come in at your leisure to collect it.  The service cost will be $99, which is pretty good given that you’ll be walking away with a brand spanking new unit, don’t you think?”

Me: “Um, okay.”

Friday July 8, 2011

Me, at XYZ: “I’m here to pick up my air conditioner.”

XYZ: “Here you go.  That’ll be $99.”

Me: “I’d also like to be refunded for the wheels I purchased previously, and then left with you when I dropped off my old unit.”

XYZ: “Didn’t we already process that?”

Me: “No.”

XYZ: “Okay.  That’ll be $74.46.”

Me: *fails to realise, until typing up this post, that the charge should have been $99 − $24.54 − $4.50 = $69.96*

Me: “Thanks.”

Me, after unpacking the new unit at home: “FFS!!  This unit has only 80% of the cooling capacity of my old unit, has no removable condensation collection tank, doesn’t allow you to set a relative humidity and can’t dehumidify a room unless the window is open?!  %$£@&*#!!!  How the hell am I supposed to dry out the air in the apartment if I have to draw in wet, cold air from outside?!”

So after all this, I still can’t decide whether I’ve won or lost, or whether it’s even over yet.

The whole point of trying to get the old unit fixed was so that I could wheel it around to dehumidify the apartment.  Unlike my old unit though, this replacement unit can’t dehumidify without being connected to a window and expelling moist air outside—which in turn requires drawing air from outside to replace the expelled air.  This defeats the entire purpose of dehumidifying the air inside in the first place.  Seriously, is there any situation where a dehumidification process like this would be useful?

DeLonghi seems to think so, evidently.

• connecting a land-based phone line
• receiving my tax refund
• organising a gas connection
• receiving the correct amount of mobile data for what I’m paying
• organising repair of a broken vent in the kitchen
• replacing a broken caster wheel on a home appliance

These are just a few of the things that stand out in my mind as having required ridiculous amounts of work to action, sometimes still even to no avail.  And as I see more and more of my free time lost to such stupid things, I’m getting more and more frustrated.

Accordingly, I introduce a new category of posts: Alex vs. The World.  Once these simple administrative tasks draw out beyond a certain threshold of effort, I’ll endeavour to slap them up here for the sake of catharsis and hopefully, entertainment to someone else out there.  Perhaps I’ll even find that I’m not alone in some instances.

The first post in this series follows.