Yes, so it’s a bit late.  Shoot me.

Today, I’ve decided upon a New Years resolution.  After copping more shite from work, missing out on too many croutons in my lifetime and being fined $85 in dishonour fees, I’ve decided that I’m going to become an arsehole.

Sure, my place of employment, McDonalds, my Internet provider and my bank are at the top of my list, but you’re all on there.  Every single one of you.  So be prepared.

My arsehole employer has decided not to pay me for my work—I worked for 45 minutes and I’m being told that I won’t be getting paid for one of them.  There’s the fact that I work 15 minutes overtime every shift and don’t complain at all.  But now, we’re being expected to be able to leave the moment we lock the door to customers.

So, I’m going to offer them an ultimatum—they either pay me my $2.55 in wages or I quit.

After that, McDonalds is on my list because I pay full price each time for a Roast Chicken Salad and very often I am neglected in the presence-of-croutons department.  And so, the next time I order one and they hand over the bag, I will ask them, ‘does this bag have any croutons?’ and if they answer no, I will switch off my car and they won’t be done with me until:

  • I get 50c back, hence not paying full price for an incomplete product; or
  • I get something else thrown in, like a drink, or some fries; or
  • I get a refund.

And I’ll also call up someone in charge to the window and badger them for not being capable of ordering enough croutons.  Yes sir ree bob, I’ll do what a real arsehole would do and stay there parked, until I’ve made some poor underpaid Maccas slave’s shift even harder and morally degrading, and everyone behind me in the queue is blasting me with their horns.  Yes, that’s what a real arsehole would do and I want to be just like that.

Oh, and I forgot to mention my bank and Internet provider for fining me a combined figure of $85 simply because I couldn’t get the cash into my account quickly enough.  This would be because I had to buy everyone Christmas gifts so be warned, guys.  If I hear one complaint about any of those gifts, I will personally break into your homes in the middle of the night, reclaim them and refund them.  Because I have the receipts for all of them still.

But yeah.  I shouldn’t have revealed that much, maybe.  So I’m going to ring up both the bank and my Internet provider and give them a piece of my mind.  And I’m going to ask them some hard hitting questions too.

  • ‘Did I seriously cause $50 worth of damage to your fine corporation by not having the money in my account for you to syphon at your own personal convenience?’
  • ‘Can I personally visit your fine establishment and inspect this damage for myself?’
  • ‘Can I possibly come in and perform $50 worth of labour instead?’
  • ‘Will this $50 go towards further improving your services?’
  • ‘Can I have your full details, please?’

Of course, let’s neglect to mention the fact that I’m contractually bound to these fines.  But shh.  If I make these people cry I just might get the money back.  Here’s hoping.

And that, my friends, is how I’ve started the new year.  And I do believe that I have just written my longest entry to date.